Suing my way to the top

If you are anything like me, you have been reading with hilarity the story breaking this week of an ex-Geelong school girl suing her private school for not doing enough to get her into her preferred university course. http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/school-failed-to-get-me-into-law-20120516-1yrcb.html

So let me get this right. You didn't work hard enough, or were simply not smart enough to get into law, and you got glandular fever and left the school mid year anyway, and it's all the school's fault. And yes, you seriously think you deserve to be compensated for this?

That's brilliant! So I'm making a list of people that I'm suing starting immediately:

• My parents, for not giving me the genetics I truly deserve.
• My kindergarten having toilet cubicles with no doors, I'm forever scarred.
• The boys at school who teased me for being a poof, even though they turned out to be right.
• My Grade 6 teacher for not molesting me, as he was hot and he should have at least tried.
• Suing my private school for pain suffering for closing at the end of Year 12.
• My first girlfriend for not knowing better that I was gay.
• My first boyfriend who making me wait to admit you were gay.
• My local supermarket for being out of Doritos last week when I had a real craving.
• And finally God, for allowing entitled school girls to occupy valuable media space all this week.

Gay rights are human rights

The debate in recent times has focused upon the notion of "gay marriage". Although this has been a fantastic vehicle for generating support around a cause, it is something of a red herring. The issue here is basic human rights and the fragrant violation of them. The prohibition of marriage among same sex attracted people is but a subset of much more widespread violation of human rights.

The recent support of "gay marriage" by Barack Obama is a major win for the millions of gay people around the world still oppressed by heterosexual rule. From all counts, the debate is growing in momentum, with more and more press coverage of the absurd arguments and coalitions banding together opposing gay people from marrying.

The next wave of gay right must fight for recognition that being gay is normal. It occurs across all cultures despite explicit attempts to make it illegitimate. If we take it even further, there is widespread evidence of same-sex relations across all species. Being gay is not biologically or socially deviant, it is plain and simply normal.

Gay people play essential roles in society, well beyond any simplistic reproduction of the species. We play vital roles in families and in communities. These must be recognised and celebrated for our contribution to the whole of society. Being gay isn't really that fabulous, or anything we need to scream from the rooftops. We just want to get on with our lives, and contribute to the lives of others, without our basic human rights being withheld.

Controlling me, controlling you (ah-haa)

Modern life would have us believe that control is a virtue. Newspapers, magazines and the internet are full of 'helpful' articles on how to control everything from your finances to your emotions. Little is said about the cost of over-control, or even a valid alternative to such efforts to control.

My patients could write the book on the costs of over-control. People with eating disorders seek control at any cost to their happiness, their relationships and ultimately to their bodies. Control becomes so highly valued because it reduces the fear of the unknown or uncontrollable. The sad irony of eating disorders are that the tremendous striving to control one's body ends up resulting in the complete loss of control of one's body.

An alternative to control is to work upon the practice of surrendering control. This is the difference between trying to make life happen, and letting life happen. There is much truth in the adage that what we resist persists. My life has never been more rewarding or easier since I stopped trying make everything happen (e.g., work, sex, career, relationships) and surrendering to enjoying and investing in what is actually happening right now.

To let life happen is easy to say, but hard to do. It involves investing my trust in a wisdom far greater than my own. For me, it is the difference between enjoying the ride and discovering where I arrive, versus navigating while driving and missing everything along the way. Letting go of the control of my life not only feels better, it is easier to live with. I look forward to seeing where my internal GPS will take me next.

Bear image dis-order

Pic from http://malepatternboldness.blogspot.com.au

Recently a Facebook friend posted a picture of his new physique in the lead up to his first bodybuilding competition. What followed was 100+ comments regarding the picture. Comments were overwhelmingly supportive of the effort gone into obtaining his new physique. Among the comments were some thoughts from bear friends encouraging his hard work, but also stating also their preference for his 'old' look. It got me thinking about 'bear image' in a new light.

I've been musing about the extent to which we hold other bears accountable for keeping up their 'bear image'. I have experienced this to a lesser extent in the few times that I have shaved my beard off completely. I can vividly remember bears coming up to me in the pub with a startled and shocked look upon their face. "What have you done?" was the general tone. Like my Facebook friend, I was also generously offered the feedback that they preferred my more hirsute image.

Does bear community turn its back upon those among us who lose weight, shave their beard, gain muscle, wax their chest, etc? I wonder if unconsciously we malign those who pursue or experiment with modifying their body in some such way. It gets me wondering if bear community could be only follicle-deep behind our ideals of inclusivity, masculinity and non-attitude.

It could easily be said that this is just one bear expressing their opinion or preference about another, like commenting on someone's fashion. However, I do wonder what would happen if a bear turned up at the pub one week with only one leg? Would bears come up and say, "I preferred you with two legs". Clearly they wouldn't, as that would be crossing the invisible line of taste.

So whats the difference between someone losing weight and losing a leg? Perhaps it comes down to the intent to change oneself in a major way. Maybe it shines a light upon our intolerance for people who intentionally move away from our stereotyped ideals of bearhood. Are we really that superficial? Cheeseburgers for thought.

Mardi Gras vs Mardi Grinch

Image from http://republicjewelry.com

Tonight marks the beginning of the Mardi Gras for many bears travelling to Sydney for Mardi Gras. The Underbear party, as the name suggests, is when bears from all around Australia and visiting countries get down to their undies and do what bears do best....party. However, not everyone shares this Mardi Gras spirit, with many people ambivalent at best, or those anti-Mardi Gras.

I can vividly remember holding grinch-like views about Mardi Gras. I felt that the parade was purely another commercial exploitation of gay culture. I felt the television broadcast served to perpetuate the ignorance in straight community about the diversity of gay and lesbian culture, and the body types we inhabit. My television-only perspective of Mardi Gras had left me with belief that it was not something I wished to participate in. I held this view without ever having experienced Mardi Gras first hand.

Having been to Mardi Gras twice now, I can only say that that my attitude has changed dramatically. My experiences of Mardi Gras have been warm, inclusive and a celebration of diversity. The bear events, such the Underbear party have to be experienced to be understood. You only have to look around the room to see every size, shape and age enjoying the same space in the celebration of what it means to be a bear, and go a little crazy at the same time.

My experience of marching in the parade was something I will never forget. After hours of waiting in the marshaling area, it was finally our turn to head up Oxford St. As soon as the crowds recognised the presence of the bears, they erupted in applause and excitement. I had never experienced such an overwhelming feeling of pride and achievement within myself. I had overcome a lot in my life just to be there, marching among my fellow bears staking our claim among gay community.

Looking back now, it was my fear and prejudice about Mardi Gras which had clouded my judgement. I had judged it based upon what I saw on television,  and had projected my own insecurity about not feeling worthy of being a part of it. I was wrong, I was always worthy, my predudice had just clouded my vision. Wishing all the bears a safe and sexy time. Happy Mardi Gras!

Who's ya Daddy?

Bear life wouldn't be what it is without the presence of so-called "daddy-son" relationships. To the uninitiated, this is essentially a relationship dynamic between an older bear (the daddy) and a cub or younger guy (the son). This is of course the most superficial of descriptions, as a daddy-son relationship is really not about age at all. So who is ya daddy?

Daddy-son relationships come in a variety of formations. At perhaps the simplest level, it is based purely upon the level of physical attraction, such as a younger guy being attracted to older guys, and as such tending hook up with and develop relationships with older men. Beyond this level, there is the level of emotional connection and need-fulfillment, such as a younger guy looking for an older bear to play a pseudo father-role. This many involve the older bear tending to make the major decisions in the relationship, and being a source of protection and comfort to the cub. Taken even further, daddy-son relationships can include implicit or explicit notions of control or dominance, such as 'daddy knows best' dynamics in sex or domestic life.

One of the true blessings of bear life is the diversity of relationships and people that are accommodated within our community. At any den night or bear function, it is normal to see a pairing that at least from the outside may resemble a daddy-son relationship. Like any relationship, the dynamics between the couple are a private matter, but sometimes they spill over into public displays of dis-affection. It can be displayed in who gets the make the decisions around issues such as how much is too much, when its time to go, or who's allowed to do what with whom and when.

Bear community is generally accepting and welcoming of the full spectrum of relationships. In the straight world, such relationships would be far more prone to judgement and suggestions of impropriety. This is a classic example of the narrow and constricted view of what is "ok" purported by the straight world. We all know their deviance is just hushed up never owned or accepted into their mainstream. There is a set mould of what is acceptable, and anything outside of this is encouraged to be viewed with suspicion and judgement. Blinkers are drawn to what could be profound about this point of difference.

The love and affection between any two men drawn together can be profoundly healing. The simple fact that a cub and a bear are drawn together says something about what they need, and what they can give to each other. The cub/son may open the bear/daddy up to a new world of sex, parties, friends and community that may have otherwise been inaccessible to him. In turn, the daddy may open the son up to a world of love, support, acceptance, financial security and strength that they never experienced from their own father. Like any relationship, daddy-son relationships can be fraught with their own difficulties. These difficulties are what makes them normal, human, not make them wrong or deviant. Daddy-son relationships are a rich part of bear community and a unique part of our cultural heritage.

Jedi Knight or Sith Lord....you decide

The Star Wars saga has always captivated me for its timeless story of good and evil, light and dark, Jedi Knight or Sith Lord. For those not enlightened to the series, it is a story of the raging war between the good and evil forces of the universe, in battle drawing upon the intangible power known only as 'the force'. The line 'use the force' from the series is well known, and roughly translates to an expression such as 'go with God'.

The film can be understood on many levels. I have always been most interested in the interpretation that the story represents the battle within all of us. At any one moment, there are both good and evil, or light and dark elements at war within us. Each is fighting for dominance and their own survival. Sigmund Freud had a similar idea, proposing that all human behaviour comes down to two opposing forces - life and death. Anyone who has been suicidal, or worked with suicidal people, can tell you that this is precisely what it boils down to when the chips are down. Sometimes just the thinnest slice of light or hope keeps a person alive, even when the misery of their lives drives them relentlessly towards their own death and destruction. It is generally only when this last bastion of light is snuffed out that people are successful in taking their own lives.

The decision over which side to follow is ultimately a private matter. In the series, Anakin Skywalker is born into a desperate time marked with great instability within the universe. He trains as a Jedi Knight, and learns how to know and master the positive forces within the universe. The strongest character arc of the series is the seduction of Anakin by the dark side of the force. His fear and anger are used against him, and he is manipulated into hedging his bets and seeking greater power through the dark side of the force.

This might all sound rather abstract and only out of the pages of sci-fi, but in fact it’s not far from everyday gay reality. Fear remains our strongest motivator and can lead us to do things we would otherwise find abhorrent. Some people are drawn to crime out of their fear of poverty or not having enough. Others are drawn to lying and deceit out of fear of being exposed as inadequate. Gay life is rife with lying about conquests, age, cock size, or generally pretending to be someone that we are not.

These might seem like insignificant white lies, but it is important to consider which side of the force you are making a deal with. Star Wars fans know that how Anakin eventually becomes subsumed by the dark side of the force to become the ultimate baddie, Darth Vader. I'm not saying you are going to become a Sith Lord by lying about your cock size, but it is important to think about the implications about this behaviour of acting out of fear. If you are fearful that you are not good enough just the way you are, therefore lying about your stats seems appealing, but chances are your fears will come true and the other guy will eventually reject you for being a liar anyway. There is nothing more attractive or powerful than someone standing in their own power. Your light sabre is the only one you will ever have. Love it, and it will love you back and serve you for many years to cum. Use the force (wisely)!