Who's ya Daddy?

Bear life wouldn't be what it is without the presence of so-called "daddy-son" relationships. To the uninitiated, this is essentially a relationship dynamic between an older bear (the daddy) and a cub or younger guy (the son). This is of course the most superficial of descriptions, as a daddy-son relationship is really not about age at all. So who is ya daddy?

Daddy-son relationships come in a variety of formations. At perhaps the simplest level, it is based purely upon the level of physical attraction, such as a younger guy being attracted to older guys, and as such tending hook up with and develop relationships with older men. Beyond this level, there is the level of emotional connection and need-fulfillment, such as a younger guy looking for an older bear to play a pseudo father-role. This many involve the older bear tending to make the major decisions in the relationship, and being a source of protection and comfort to the cub. Taken even further, daddy-son relationships can include implicit or explicit notions of control or dominance, such as 'daddy knows best' dynamics in sex or domestic life.

One of the true blessings of bear life is the diversity of relationships and people that are accommodated within our community. At any den night or bear function, it is normal to see a pairing that at least from the outside may resemble a daddy-son relationship. Like any relationship, the dynamics between the couple are a private matter, but sometimes they spill over into public displays of dis-affection. It can be displayed in who gets the make the decisions around issues such as how much is too much, when its time to go, or who's allowed to do what with whom and when.

Bear community is generally accepting and welcoming of the full spectrum of relationships. In the straight world, such relationships would be far more prone to judgement and suggestions of impropriety. This is a classic example of the narrow and constricted view of what is "ok" purported by the straight world. We all know their deviance is just hushed up never owned or accepted into their mainstream. There is a set mould of what is acceptable, and anything outside of this is encouraged to be viewed with suspicion and judgement. Blinkers are drawn to what could be profound about this point of difference.

The love and affection between any two men drawn together can be profoundly healing. The simple fact that a cub and a bear are drawn together says something about what they need, and what they can give to each other. The cub/son may open the bear/daddy up to a new world of sex, parties, friends and community that may have otherwise been inaccessible to him. In turn, the daddy may open the son up to a world of love, support, acceptance, financial security and strength that they never experienced from their own father. Like any relationship, daddy-son relationships can be fraught with their own difficulties. These difficulties are what makes them normal, human, not make them wrong or deviant. Daddy-son relationships are a rich part of bear community and a unique part of our cultural heritage.

Jedi Knight or Sith Lord....you decide

The Star Wars saga has always captivated me for its timeless story of good and evil, light and dark, Jedi Knight or Sith Lord. For those not enlightened to the series, it is a story of the raging war between the good and evil forces of the universe, in battle drawing upon the intangible power known only as 'the force'. The line 'use the force' from the series is well known, and roughly translates to an expression such as 'go with God'.

The film can be understood on many levels. I have always been most interested in the interpretation that the story represents the battle within all of us. At any one moment, there are both good and evil, or light and dark elements at war within us. Each is fighting for dominance and their own survival. Sigmund Freud had a similar idea, proposing that all human behaviour comes down to two opposing forces - life and death. Anyone who has been suicidal, or worked with suicidal people, can tell you that this is precisely what it boils down to when the chips are down. Sometimes just the thinnest slice of light or hope keeps a person alive, even when the misery of their lives drives them relentlessly towards their own death and destruction. It is generally only when this last bastion of light is snuffed out that people are successful in taking their own lives.

The decision over which side to follow is ultimately a private matter. In the series, Anakin Skywalker is born into a desperate time marked with great instability within the universe. He trains as a Jedi Knight, and learns how to know and master the positive forces within the universe. The strongest character arc of the series is the seduction of Anakin by the dark side of the force. His fear and anger are used against him, and he is manipulated into hedging his bets and seeking greater power through the dark side of the force.

This might all sound rather abstract and only out of the pages of sci-fi, but in fact it’s not far from everyday gay reality. Fear remains our strongest motivator and can lead us to do things we would otherwise find abhorrent. Some people are drawn to crime out of their fear of poverty or not having enough. Others are drawn to lying and deceit out of fear of being exposed as inadequate. Gay life is rife with lying about conquests, age, cock size, or generally pretending to be someone that we are not.

These might seem like insignificant white lies, but it is important to consider which side of the force you are making a deal with. Star Wars fans know that how Anakin eventually becomes subsumed by the dark side of the force to become the ultimate baddie, Darth Vader. I'm not saying you are going to become a Sith Lord by lying about your cock size, but it is important to think about the implications about this behaviour of acting out of fear. If you are fearful that you are not good enough just the way you are, therefore lying about your stats seems appealing, but chances are your fears will come true and the other guy will eventually reject you for being a liar anyway. There is nothing more attractive or powerful than someone standing in their own power. Your light sabre is the only one you will ever have. Love it, and it will love you back and serve you for many years to cum. Use the force (wisely)!