Controlling me, controlling you (ah-haa)

Modern life would have us believe that control is a virtue. Newspapers, magazines and the internet are full of 'helpful' articles on how to control everything from your finances to your emotions. Little is said about the cost of over-control, or even a valid alternative to such efforts to control.

My patients could write the book on the costs of over-control. People with eating disorders seek control at any cost to their happiness, their relationships and ultimately to their bodies. Control becomes so highly valued because it reduces the fear of the unknown or uncontrollable. The sad irony of eating disorders are that the tremendous striving to control one's body ends up resulting in the complete loss of control of one's body.

An alternative to control is to work upon the practice of surrendering control. This is the difference between trying to make life happen, and letting life happen. There is much truth in the adage that what we resist persists. My life has never been more rewarding or easier since I stopped trying make everything happen (e.g., work, sex, career, relationships) and surrendering to enjoying and investing in what is actually happening right now.

To let life happen is easy to say, but hard to do. It involves investing my trust in a wisdom far greater than my own. For me, it is the difference between enjoying the ride and discovering where I arrive, versus navigating while driving and missing everything along the way. Letting go of the control of my life not only feels better, it is easier to live with. I look forward to seeing where my internal GPS will take me next.

Bear image dis-order

Pic from http://malepatternboldness.blogspot.com.au

Recently a Facebook friend posted a picture of his new physique in the lead up to his first bodybuilding competition. What followed was 100+ comments regarding the picture. Comments were overwhelmingly supportive of the effort gone into obtaining his new physique. Among the comments were some thoughts from bear friends encouraging his hard work, but also stating also their preference for his 'old' look. It got me thinking about 'bear image' in a new light.

I've been musing about the extent to which we hold other bears accountable for keeping up their 'bear image'. I have experienced this to a lesser extent in the few times that I have shaved my beard off completely. I can vividly remember bears coming up to me in the pub with a startled and shocked look upon their face. "What have you done?" was the general tone. Like my Facebook friend, I was also generously offered the feedback that they preferred my more hirsute image.

Does bear community turn its back upon those among us who lose weight, shave their beard, gain muscle, wax their chest, etc? I wonder if unconsciously we malign those who pursue or experiment with modifying their body in some such way. It gets me wondering if bear community could be only follicle-deep behind our ideals of inclusivity, masculinity and non-attitude.

It could easily be said that this is just one bear expressing their opinion or preference about another, like commenting on someone's fashion. However, I do wonder what would happen if a bear turned up at the pub one week with only one leg? Would bears come up and say, "I preferred you with two legs". Clearly they wouldn't, as that would be crossing the invisible line of taste.

So whats the difference between someone losing weight and losing a leg? Perhaps it comes down to the intent to change oneself in a major way. Maybe it shines a light upon our intolerance for people who intentionally move away from our stereotyped ideals of bearhood. Are we really that superficial? Cheeseburgers for thought.