Modern life would have us believe that control is a virtue. Newspapers, magazines and the internet are full of 'helpful' articles on how to control everything from your finances to your emotions. Little is said about the cost of over-control, or even a valid alternative to such efforts to control.
My patients could write the book on the costs of over-control. People with eating disorders seek control at any cost to their happiness, their relationships and ultimately to their bodies. Control becomes so highly valued because it reduces the fear of the unknown or uncontrollable. The sad irony of eating disorders are that the tremendous striving to control one's body ends up resulting in the complete loss of control of one's body.
An alternative to control is to work upon the practice of surrendering control. This is the difference between trying to make life happen, and letting life happen. There is much truth in the adage that what we resist persists. My life has never been more rewarding or easier since I stopped trying make everything happen (e.g., work, sex, career, relationships) and surrendering to enjoying and investing in what is actually happening right now.
To let life happen is easy to say, but hard to do. It involves investing my trust in a wisdom far greater than my own. For me, it is the difference between enjoying the ride and discovering where I arrive, versus navigating while driving and missing everything along the way. Letting go of the control of my life not only feels better, it is easier to live with. I look forward to seeing where my internal GPS will take me next.
What about the excluded middle? A balance between the two? Losing control over one's life is a major risk factor for depression and suicide; I can certainly testify to this. I'd agree that obsessively needing to control every aspect of your life is damaging - but for people who feel totally lost, regaining control can be a very important plank in a path to wellness.
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