Second coming out

Welcome to Bearorama, this gay bear's perspective life, love and beyond.  A panoramic view of all things spiritual, psychological and philosophical from the point of view of an Australian gay bear in his mid 30's.

Finding bear community was life changing for me. I can vividly remember in my mid teens secretly watching the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras on TV. My life changed one year when a group referred to by the commentators as 'the bears' appeared, walking along and being loved by the crowd for their masculinity and their lack of conformity to the gay male stereotype. These were a group of men marching with a sense of guineness and warmth that I had never seen before. I knew somehow that I was going to grow up to be a bear.

Many years passed and I was too scarred to even begin to approach my first bear event. In this time I had discovered the internet, and begun to spend endless hours learning about bear community as it was evolving in the mid 90's. It took until 2004 that I finally plucked up the courage to attend my first event. Even though I was in my late 20's, I began to meet group of men who has also felt marginalised by mainstream gay community. For some it was due to be hairy, or fat, or both for many. For others it was about embracing their masculinity. For me, it was about needing to find a place where I belonged.

Several years followed of attending bear events both in Melbourne and interstate. I developed my identification with bear culture, coming to find myself saying 'woof' at the drop of a hat. Bear culture also proved to be one of both inclusivity and exclusivity for me. One the one hand I had found a group of gay men who embraced their masculinity and physicality, yet at the same time I found myself on the outside of  the mainstream again. Unlike many in bear community, but I couldn't find myself captivated by endless conversations about PC vs Apple. Even worse, no matter how hard I tried, I kept seeing people as people, not objects for my amusement or gratification. I couldn't get my head around the idea of having sex with guys in the club at events. I didn't think it was wrong, or bad, it just wasn't for me.

There has always been a deeper part of me who quietly ponders away at the big questions. Why are we here? What is the point of life? Who am I really? Who is the person who notices that I ponder a lot? I've never accepted a formal belief system, just always had a burning interested in philosophy, religion, spirtualism, mysticism, all things ethereal. I have tried to bring my interests into conversation in bear community, but this always felt awkward and out of place. Looking back I'm sure my lack of confidence in myself had a lot to do it. So this part of me became hidden, closeted, and I slowly withdrew from bear community.

So, Bearorama is my second coming out. My step into a brave new world of being embracing being a bear and a spiritualist at the same time. These have always been very separate parts of me, but it is time for them to come together. To out myself as someone who thinks and feels on a grand scale. To publish my growing perspective on life, love and beyond. To express my sprituality from a bear perspective and to bring these two parts of my identity together. To bravely go where this bear has not ventured before. What happens from here....we all shall see. Wish me luck.