Point that ego somewhere else

There is a strong politics among gay men about open vs closed relationships. It seems everyone has an opinion about it, ranging from being very angry and against open relationships, to those so open they discuss and plan their next or latest root with their partner over dinner. Often the debate boils down to single guys feeling used and abused by partnered guys, with the perception that the partnered guys just want get off without investing emotionally (as they have that back home). On the other hand, it can also get to the point with some couples where they are so explicit in their chasing and pursuit of the next conquest it can be hard to see where their true emotional investment lies. The sexual becomes political and everybody is ready to weigh with their moral two cents worth.

These moralistic arguments miss the point. There is no clear right or wrong here, rather it is a situation for each person involved to determine what is right for them. If a single guys hooks up with someone in a relationship, then he needs to be willing to accept whatever the partnered guy has to offer, and vice versa. Some partnered guys are emotionally detached in hook ups and approach it purely on a physical level. While other guys in relationships are more emotionally engaged, and like to feel connection when hooking up. These things cannot be entirely determined before the hookup occurs. The responsibility is shared between both guys to determine what is right for them, and deal with the situation as it unfolds.

The real issue here is about the spirit in which each guy approaches the situation. When the ego is in control, either guy can approach the situation looking to only satisfy his own need to be special, for him to be adored or wanted, to pursue his own pleasure at any cost, and in doing so typically fails to recognise how crap this can make the other guy feel. At the same time, the ego is also driven by fear, and can also make a guy clingy, insecure, needy or unable to recognise or respect the boundaries that have been put in place. In either scenario, when the ego drives the behaviour, there is bound to be negative consequences for at least one of the parties.

The alternative is approaching the scenario with a simple intention to connect, to join, purely in the moment. In doing so there a giving attitude and a desire to connect, whether this connection be for a matter of minutes or for passion-filled hours. With a simple intention to give rather than receive there is a true sense of connection in that moment which defies the narcissism or insecurity of the ego. This can result in pleasure on purely a stimulus level, or a deep sense of emotional connection, with either occuring in the present moment. This exchange then has a deep sense of value for both parties, whether it is a once off, or the beginning of something more regular.

When both parties approach with an intention to give rather than receive, the moral judgements driven by the ego begin to disappear. This experience of connecting, purely in the moment without fear or prejudice has a timeless feeling. It offers a rich opportunity to connect in that moment alone, without being loaded with expectation or definition. Whether this connection occurs between two single guys, a single guy and a couple, or a couple alone, the spirit of the connection is more important than any moralistic arguement from the outside.